I realize that it has been over a month since I have posted. I have had so much to share but have failed to find the time or the right words. I had a PR (personal record) in Hyannis, I am fighting injuries, did a 3 hour arc trainer session with Tracie and Amy, and with less than a month away, I am finally starting my fundraising.
Both in in 2008 and this year, I have had the opportunity to make amazing friends and continue to strengthen friendships through DFMC. Some individuals are seasoned veteran marathon runners while others are nervously anticipating crossing the marathon finish line on Boylston for the first time.
I am grateful for my DFMC family and for the relationships I have built and that will continue after the marathon is over.
Last weekend, a small group went out to the Great Boston Running Company for our last run of the season out of the store. Our runs from GBRC follow the Minuteman Bike train out and back. Due to injury, Jack recommended that I do 60 minutes and a walk run. I was nervous to do this by myself, no less in the pouring rain/monsoon that hit the Northeast last weekend. My friend Glen asked me before the run how I was feeling. I explained to him my anxiety about doing the run/walk alone. Glen put is so simply, "Run with a sense of Purpose".
I woke up on March 13th to rain and wind without a sense of purpose. I showed up at GBRC and started my slow run walk with first time Boston marathoner, Maggie. Maggie and I have built a strong friendship over the last few months having faced similar situations and frustrations. As Maggie and I started running, we started discussing happiness and life. In the back of my head, I was thinking about purpose. We all have a purpose on this earth, but do we always find our purpose? How do we make sure we live our lives to our greatest potential and give back?
As I bid good-bye to Maggie at the 30 minute mark, I felt good but realized something was missing. Why do I get up at 6:45am every Saturday to run? Why do I go out in rain just to run six miles? Because I have a purpose. My purpose is to honor those who have battled cancer. My purpose is to help fight this disease. My purpose is to make a difference.
On Saturday and once again during my 5 mile run this past Thursday, I thought about my Dad. His memory seems to push me through the hard part of my day or that last hill. But I have so many more people to honor: friends, acquaintances, and loved ones. I honor those families who have battled this disease. I honor those who may be diagnosed and will gracefully and courageously fight.
This morning when I attempt to run, I will tell myself stories about these people. I will think about the following individuals and more:
My Dad
My grandmother
My friend Shoshana's Mother
My old colleague Linda
My friend Phil's Mother
My Oxy classmate Erica
I will run with purpose. I will run for myself and others. I will run because I can. I will run to come one step closer to curing cancer. I will find my purpose on the roads and the hills. I will try to find purpose when my calves tighten up, when my glutes start to ache. But above all else, I will run with purpose.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
When Life Gives you Lemons (or being the best)..an apology of sorts
We all have our moments and in the last week I have had a few of which I am not proud. Unfortunately, I can not say I had a bad run. Unfortunately, I can not say I spilled a cup of coffee on myself.
Unfortunately, I have to admit that I was not fair to myself and in turn not fair to someone else.
I pride myself on trying to be the best I can at all times. I know this is near impossible and I am in no way perfect. Sometimes I get cranky. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I'm not nice and can be a b*tch. But as someone very wise told me the other day, we all have our moments. (Thanks EW)
I like to think of myself as a good person with a good heart. My sister told me today that I'm really nice and my friend Jana tells me all the time how caring I am towards other people. I admit I have a big heart and I all too often wear it on my sleeve. I have cared for people who do not deserve my love and friendship and not cared enough about others as much as I should.
The question is how do you find the balance? How do you be a good caring loving person in this world? How do you make sure you care about those who deserve it and not the rest?
By profession, my Dad had to care about all his patients. I remember being at his funeral and the number of people who came out to show their support and love for him: patients, friends, family. It was amazing and I remember vividly thinking "I hope someday I can be half the person he was. I hope I impact this many people's lives."
Was my Dad always a good person? No, he was human but he had a big heart. He cared about people and maybe like me, sometimes, a little too much. I have become the type of person who hates to cause other people pain because in turn it causes me pain. I hate the idea of hurting someone unintentionally and not being able to fix my mistakes. But more than that, I hate not being the best person I can be whether that's in my daily interactions or in how I respond to a stranger or even to an amazing caring friend. I hate not being my best because in the end it hurts others as well myself.
Someone once told me the following: Good is good enough.
Sometimes it is, but sometimes we need to try and be the best for ourselves.
But I also know that I am human and I need to not be so hard on myself when I let others down. I need to be able to forgive myself so that others can as well. When a situation does not go as planned, I need to try and make the best of it despite everything else. And when all else fails, just laugh. Laugh because it makes you smile. Laugh because it feels good. Laugh because sometimes its the only thing that makes sense.
And remember:
"When life gives you Lemons, Stick them in your bra (can't hurt, might help).
Unfortunately, I have to admit that I was not fair to myself and in turn not fair to someone else.
I pride myself on trying to be the best I can at all times. I know this is near impossible and I am in no way perfect. Sometimes I get cranky. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I'm not nice and can be a b*tch. But as someone very wise told me the other day, we all have our moments. (Thanks EW)
I like to think of myself as a good person with a good heart. My sister told me today that I'm really nice and my friend Jana tells me all the time how caring I am towards other people. I admit I have a big heart and I all too often wear it on my sleeve. I have cared for people who do not deserve my love and friendship and not cared enough about others as much as I should.
The question is how do you find the balance? How do you be a good caring loving person in this world? How do you make sure you care about those who deserve it and not the rest?
By profession, my Dad had to care about all his patients. I remember being at his funeral and the number of people who came out to show their support and love for him: patients, friends, family. It was amazing and I remember vividly thinking "I hope someday I can be half the person he was. I hope I impact this many people's lives."
Was my Dad always a good person? No, he was human but he had a big heart. He cared about people and maybe like me, sometimes, a little too much. I have become the type of person who hates to cause other people pain because in turn it causes me pain. I hate the idea of hurting someone unintentionally and not being able to fix my mistakes. But more than that, I hate not being the best person I can be whether that's in my daily interactions or in how I respond to a stranger or even to an amazing caring friend. I hate not being my best because in the end it hurts others as well myself.
Someone once told me the following: Good is good enough.
Sometimes it is, but sometimes we need to try and be the best for ourselves.
But I also know that I am human and I need to not be so hard on myself when I let others down. I need to be able to forgive myself so that others can as well. When a situation does not go as planned, I need to try and make the best of it despite everything else. And when all else fails, just laugh. Laugh because it makes you smile. Laugh because it feels good. Laugh because sometimes its the only thing that makes sense.
And remember:
"When life gives you Lemons, Stick them in your bra (can't hurt, might help).
Monday, February 15, 2010
A memorial of sorts...or airing my dirty laundry
For the last three weeks, I have been reminding myself that I have needed to post. While I know no one reads my blog (or very few people), I realize that I write this for no one but myself. It is my way to share my good runs, daily chaos, exhaustion, and the funny things that happen on the way to the subway. It is my way to keep track of my life and yes, in a sense my online airing of my dirty laundry.
In three weeks, I have had good runs and terrible runs. I have been so sick I could not get out of bed. I have tried to give myself deadlines and ignored them. I have promised myself I will cross train only to sit on the couch and contemplate writing a blog post.
My 31st birthday has come and gone and with it, I am a year older and hopefully someday a little wiser. I spent my birthday weekend with my mom and had an amazing dinner at L'Espalier. I ran track on Tuesday, which kicked my butt, and then had a terrible 5 mile run on Thursday followed by an awesome 11 miler on Saturday. I tried to get back into the groove of training.
During our dinner my Mom talked about my Dad. She told me about the first time he had cancer, at age 28, and about his treatments. We spoke about how much he would love the dinner and wine at L'Espalier. Many of the details of our conversation are slightly blurry but it was clear how much we both miss him.
Today marks my father's yartzeit, the anniversary on the Jewish calendar of my father's death. His death on the Christian calendar was February 20th. Regardless of the anniversary of some one's passing, those of us who have lost a loved ones never forget. We never forget what it was like to love that person, to call them when things got too hard to bear, ask them what they had for dinner, or when we just wanted to hear the unconditional "I love you" that only a parent could give. Sometimes our memories play tricks on us and we question if we still remember. We kick ourselves when we don't miss them and then kick ourselves for kicking ourselves for not missing them. We think about our last conversation, last meal, or last exchange with that person. We make sure we never forget.
My father passed away 3 years ago and so much in my life has changed in that time. I know that he is proud of me even when I lose faith and when I beat myself up for my failures. I know he would tell me as gently as possible to figure it out and control my destiny. I know that he would kick my behind off the couch and tell me to start my fundraising and go to the gym and cross train (after a good glass of wine of course).
This year thus far, I have lacked the focus and dedication to training that I had two years ago. Every week I tell myself to refocus but then get bombarded by life. I make excuses. I forget to do things. I choose to sleep.
Tonight as I sit here once again avoiding the gym, I realize as my previous post said I need to stop avoiding and start living. I need to remember that I did this two years ago because of him and my grandmother. I did this because he loved life and I wanted to honor that life. I did this because it helped me heal my heart. I did this to find me and I decided to do this again because DFMC is my family. I am doing this again for me. I am doing this so that 10 years from now a 28 year old woman does not have to bury her father. I am doing this to honor the person who loved me.
Tonight as I fight back tears, I choose to honor his life and love. I choose to kick my own butt off the couch and go to the gym. I need to choose to fund raise and help find a cure for this awful disease. I choose to honor an amazing man by doing the only thing that makes sense in this world: fighting cancer.
In three weeks, I have had good runs and terrible runs. I have been so sick I could not get out of bed. I have tried to give myself deadlines and ignored them. I have promised myself I will cross train only to sit on the couch and contemplate writing a blog post.
My 31st birthday has come and gone and with it, I am a year older and hopefully someday a little wiser. I spent my birthday weekend with my mom and had an amazing dinner at L'Espalier. I ran track on Tuesday, which kicked my butt, and then had a terrible 5 mile run on Thursday followed by an awesome 11 miler on Saturday. I tried to get back into the groove of training.
During our dinner my Mom talked about my Dad. She told me about the first time he had cancer, at age 28, and about his treatments. We spoke about how much he would love the dinner and wine at L'Espalier. Many of the details of our conversation are slightly blurry but it was clear how much we both miss him.
Today marks my father's yartzeit, the anniversary on the Jewish calendar of my father's death. His death on the Christian calendar was February 20th. Regardless of the anniversary of some one's passing, those of us who have lost a loved ones never forget. We never forget what it was like to love that person, to call them when things got too hard to bear, ask them what they had for dinner, or when we just wanted to hear the unconditional "I love you" that only a parent could give. Sometimes our memories play tricks on us and we question if we still remember. We kick ourselves when we don't miss them and then kick ourselves for kicking ourselves for not missing them. We think about our last conversation, last meal, or last exchange with that person. We make sure we never forget.
My father passed away 3 years ago and so much in my life has changed in that time. I know that he is proud of me even when I lose faith and when I beat myself up for my failures. I know he would tell me as gently as possible to figure it out and control my destiny. I know that he would kick my behind off the couch and tell me to start my fundraising and go to the gym and cross train (after a good glass of wine of course).
This year thus far, I have lacked the focus and dedication to training that I had two years ago. Every week I tell myself to refocus but then get bombarded by life. I make excuses. I forget to do things. I choose to sleep.
Tonight as I sit here once again avoiding the gym, I realize as my previous post said I need to stop avoiding and start living. I need to remember that I did this two years ago because of him and my grandmother. I did this because he loved life and I wanted to honor that life. I did this because it helped me heal my heart. I did this to find me and I decided to do this again because DFMC is my family. I am doing this again for me. I am doing this so that 10 years from now a 28 year old woman does not have to bury her father. I am doing this to honor the person who loved me.
Tonight as I fight back tears, I choose to honor his life and love. I choose to kick my own butt off the couch and go to the gym. I need to choose to fund raise and help find a cure for this awful disease. I choose to honor an amazing man by doing the only thing that makes sense in this world: fighting cancer.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
This post is brought to you by the letter "A"
For me, the letter A currently brings to mind many words: Ambitious, Adventurous, Amazing, and Avoidance.
Last night brought the opportunity to run in 55 degree weather. I have recently been avoiding running certain routes I love because I was afraid of running into certain people who live in my neighborhood. Last night as I laced up my sneakers, I realized that I could no longer avoid running this route. Why should I skip doing something I love out of fear? Was my avoidance doing anything to help me? Why was choosing to let fear rule my life?
On my run, I thought about all of the "A" words in my world. I thought about all of the things I have been avoiding (starting my fundraising, taking control of my future, cleaning my room, confronting those that have hurt me). I thought about my ambition, my drive and my determination to run another marathon, to make my life better, to deal with my future head on. I thought about the adventures that I want to undertake for me and not for anyone else. I thought about how amazing it is to be able to think about doing all these things, but how amazing it will be when I am able to truly accomplish them all.
In my last mile, I was no longer thinking about my avoidance or the letter A. I was thinking about how amazing it was to run 4 miles in the middle of January in shorts. I was thinking about how it felt to be out there moving, listening to my breathing, and accidentally running through puddles.
So long letter A, thanks for a great 4 mile run. Now onto letter B.....
Last night brought the opportunity to run in 55 degree weather. I have recently been avoiding running certain routes I love because I was afraid of running into certain people who live in my neighborhood. Last night as I laced up my sneakers, I realized that I could no longer avoid running this route. Why should I skip doing something I love out of fear? Was my avoidance doing anything to help me? Why was choosing to let fear rule my life?
On my run, I thought about all of the "A" words in my world. I thought about all of the things I have been avoiding (starting my fundraising, taking control of my future, cleaning my room, confronting those that have hurt me). I thought about my ambition, my drive and my determination to run another marathon, to make my life better, to deal with my future head on. I thought about the adventures that I want to undertake for me and not for anyone else. I thought about how amazing it is to be able to think about doing all these things, but how amazing it will be when I am able to truly accomplish them all.
In my last mile, I was no longer thinking about my avoidance or the letter A. I was thinking about how amazing it was to run 4 miles in the middle of January in shorts. I was thinking about how it felt to be out there moving, listening to my breathing, and accidentally running through puddles.
So long letter A, thanks for a great 4 mile run. Now onto letter B.....
Friday, January 22, 2010
Only a marathon runner would say the following....
After being sick for nearly three weeks with a sinus infection plus the after effects of the medicine, my appetite is finally semi-back to normal. There's only one problem...
I can't stop eating!!
At first I blamed it on the weather and putting on my winter weight and then I realized....
I'm not putting on winter weight. I'm putting on marathon weight.
I forgot that at some point during training season your body decides it is constantly hungry. I need to make sure that I am eating every 2-3 hours and that I have enough food to eat. So this morning I started with oatmeal and for a mid-morning snack I had almonds and dried cranberries. And it isn't even 10:30am.
If I'm eating this way in mid-January, it's going to be a long training season.
I can't stop eating!!
At first I blamed it on the weather and putting on my winter weight and then I realized....
I'm not putting on winter weight. I'm putting on marathon weight.
I forgot that at some point during training season your body decides it is constantly hungry. I need to make sure that I am eating every 2-3 hours and that I have enough food to eat. So this morning I started with oatmeal and for a mid-morning snack I had almonds and dried cranberries. And it isn't even 10:30am.
If I'm eating this way in mid-January, it's going to be a long training season.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Keeping the Faith
*This Post is dedicated to my good friend Gillian. I love you.
Over the last week, I have thought a lot about the idea of faith. Those of my friends and family who know me well are probably sitting there thinking, "You aren't a very religious person. What the heck are you talking about faith for?"
The truth is that faith for me is not about religion. Faith for me is about having confidence and trust in myself. I have found many times over the last few years that I have lost my faith in myself and others. I have doubted myself and my choices. I have wanted to throw in the towel and walk away from everything.
Over the last week, despite being sick, I have realized that I need to continue to have faith. Faith in myself and my choices. Faith in my ability to do and achieve everything of which I dream. Faith that I am the only person that can make my situation and my life better.
I have struggled with training over the last few weeks but one friend put me in my place, "It will all come back to you. It's early. Take it easy and let it."
I have faith that I will once again be able to run Boston (hopefully injury free). I have faith that I will be able to once again raise money for Dana-Farber and help do my part to cure cancer. I have faith that this experience will once again bring me closer to those I love and help me to realize my dreams.
When things get difficult, we need to find a way to Keep the Faith. We need to remember that each of us (individually) is the only person who can ever truly determine what we want from life.
And when all else fails....watch Keeping the Faith:
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Winter weather and sinus infections
For the last two to three weeks, I've been feeling a bit under the weather. It started with a sore throat and slowly moved to my head and sinuses. I finally went to see the doctor yesterday when the dizziness and pressure was too much. Her response was "You've been sick for awhile. I do not think it has turned into a bacterial infection but we should take care of this now." Four different drugs later....
I realize this is usually my time of year to get sick but I have honestly been trying to push through the illness in hopes that it will miraculously go away. I've been too busy with work, too busy with training, too busy trying (and failing) to get my life in order. I realize as I sit here and write this that I need to take care of me because no one else will. I need to make sure I am getting what I need physically and mentally to get through the day and take care of everything else. When I start feeling sick, I need to assess how I can feel better. When I avoid doing something, I need to determine why I am practicing avoidance. I am the only one who can take care of me and I need to start doing that from here on out.
I have spent the last two days at home exhausted waiting for the sinus pressure to lift. I have been trying to do work despite being incredibly dizzy and home sick. I've been trying to focus despite my head pounding. I haven't run since Sunday and all I want to do is sweat.
On my way to get my medicine from CVS, I had the cruel awakening of winter...I slipped and fell on a sheet of ice. So now aside from my headache, my butt is also killing me.
Maybe staying inside on the couch for another few days is a good idea.
I realize this is usually my time of year to get sick but I have honestly been trying to push through the illness in hopes that it will miraculously go away. I've been too busy with work, too busy with training, too busy trying (and failing) to get my life in order. I realize as I sit here and write this that I need to take care of me because no one else will. I need to make sure I am getting what I need physically and mentally to get through the day and take care of everything else. When I start feeling sick, I need to assess how I can feel better. When I avoid doing something, I need to determine why I am practicing avoidance. I am the only one who can take care of me and I need to start doing that from here on out.
I have spent the last two days at home exhausted waiting for the sinus pressure to lift. I have been trying to do work despite being incredibly dizzy and home sick. I've been trying to focus despite my head pounding. I haven't run since Sunday and all I want to do is sweat.
On my way to get my medicine from CVS, I had the cruel awakening of winter...I slipped and fell on a sheet of ice. So now aside from my headache, my butt is also killing me.
Maybe staying inside on the couch for another few days is a good idea.
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